I've Moved

Hi All,

just wanted to let you know that I have moved over to Wordpress like alot of my blogging buddies. Hope you find me there.

http://finallyitcouldbe.wordpress.com/

Never done this before but here goes

You may notice that I have added a 'Make a Donation' button to the side of my blog. Its not something that I feel completely comfortable with but with my age catching up I feel like I am now getting limited to what I can do in relation to making our family a reality.So if you would like to help us out with the growing medical expenses that go along with IVF we would really appreciate it.

After nearly 20 years of trying, it really does take a toll on you mentally, physically, emotionally and monetary, but without it where are we left, with no children which I don't wish on anyone who thinks that in time they would love to bring children into this world.

Some would think that we could just adopt but that too is very hard in this country. If we choose to do Infant Adoption, it takes approximately 2 years to be approved and then it is up to the birth parent as to who they choose to be the parent. After the struggle to be approved and are finally chosen, you then can not just go off and be a happy family as with the laws today, the birth parents have the choice of visitation up to 6 times per year.If we were to choose to do Inter-Country Adoption it can be anywhere up to $30,000 which includes our countries fees plus the adoptive countries fee's, you then need to pay for airfares, accommodation and spend up to 2 weeks in the chosen country. Of course you have to be matched with a child first but with the limits on babies each year from these country the chances of having our file in our chosen country before 2010 is non existent. Therefore in we could possibly be 45-49 before we are bringing home a baby. I am 39 now.

Update

Well, we went off to the doctor's today, by about 15 minutes in the car My Man and I were at each others throats, almost wanted to turn around and not go, but I kept my cool, made some snide remarks and kept driving.

Appointment went well with Dr Mac, we discussed doing DI and he talked us through the option and that I would have to have the dye test to 'blow out my tubes' as he put it. That didn't sound appealing and he could see the reaction in my face. We then went on to talk about the vitamins a woman and a man can take to help out with turning sperm issues around. We then went on to talk about IVF and blastocyts and how it appears to be a better option, more expensive as we know but the probability of me falling pregnant with My Man's baby would be higher than using DI which has been frozen and the fact that legislation that children can look up the natural fathers is making the supply limited now.

So off we went with our new blood/base line ultrasound/Semen Analysis forms to be poked and prodded before commencement. Now what I had forgotten about was the high cost of private hospitals since our last lot of treatments have been in public hospitals.

Today's totals have been:
Doctor Mac: $140
Baseline scan:$220
My blood tests: $256
My Man's blood tests: $81
My Man's SA: $175

GRAND TOTAL FOR TODAY: $872

And to think we only went to talk about DI?

So what are we actually doing? We are back in IVF land with the thought of using My Man's goods (which is always my first choice but he worries about money) and that we are going to do 5 day transfer not 3.

off to the doc's

Well the day has finally come around. We're off to the Dr Mac, my very old (not many old in years of age although isn't young either) dear fertility doctor, that doctor that gave me many answers when I was so very confused about what was happening/or not happening in me when we first started this journey 20 years ago. The man you set me straight after dealing with a doctor who clearly thought he was God and didn't need to bother himself with repeat tests when recommended by his own departments.

I'm hoping that he will agree with what I'm thinking today about DI and will put me on Clomid so get more eggs and maybe we might have a winner. But you just never know with these things do you? He may say no that's not right and you have to do more counselling and more of this or that, which really I just want to get on with it for GODS sake. But that's getting in front of myself isn't it. I'm taking My Man with me today, that way the Mac will know that we have already discussed it and it might make it a bit smoother. We will just have to wait and see.

On another note; the reason My Man can come with me today is because he has NO BALLS to stand up for himself. This frustrates me soo much! So he has gone casual through an agency for his job, he is/was doing 6.30am to 2.30pm, he was asked to do some nights and that they would pay him extra, after doing a night I said "you better check with the agency, they pay you and you would hate to be doing it for nothing", well I was right, they will not pay him extra because he is already paid over the award. So he told the boss on the job and he agreed that its not worth it for My Man to do. So, getting to the point, yesterday they told My Man (at the job) that they sacked the guy doing nights because he was crap and My Man had tried to teach him but he wouldn't learn, didn't want to learn, so they want My Man to do tonight and then maybe for the next 2/3 months? What does My Man say?? OK. WTF? Didn't we just talk about this? So now he will start nights and not get paid any extra penalty rates for it. However if he did his day shift and a couple of extra hours after work he would get double time? How does that work that they will pay that but not this? Its stupid and My Man needs to grow himself some BALLS, however this has been our problem for a lot longer than this job, OBVIOUSLY!

So now just to update you all when I get back from the clinic today, wish me luck :)

Feeling Blue

Today has been a bad day, not because anything in particular has happened, just a day. I feel like I'm being swallowed by my own grief to not be able to cope with being childless and that I can't see a way out of it. I watched some Gilmore Girls this afternoon and I could totally relate to Lorelia who was desperate about the fact she no longer wants to wait for the things she is sure of. That's me, but how do you make them happen???

I sometimes feel like I would rather die than be forever childless. At the moment there is still hope and while that remains so will I but I'm not sure of forever.

My Man keeps asking me whats wrong, but I am sick of telling him, he obviously doesn't listen anyway. Why don't males feel the same as us? Why don't they see that the reason we are born is to go on and create more life? Why don't they understand that we have a need to feel a baby kick us from the insides, to make us sick that we can't get out of bed, be kept awake all night with crying or to just lay there and watch our off spring sleep, with that gentle rise and fall of their chest.

I need to make a baby with what ever it takes. And I need to make it NOW. I can't wait any longer, it is never a good time but my biological clock is just about warn out. Why didn't I know to do this sooner? Why did I think I had forever? How did those last 5 years go by without me realising I was loosing it?

I am warn out with this grief, with this life, I'm just warn out.

What a difference 2 months make

Can you believe that photo on the left is from the 1st of March this year at 16 weeks compared to 8 weeks later to today 4th May. I didn't think he had grown so much. More fool me!

Miracles

So you have heard all of the stories ................... once you go on holidays it will happen, your trying to hard, when my friend gave up she feel pregnant, when my friend adopted she fell pregnant before she even got her adoptive child? Am I right? Well hold your hats...............

You see I have a new friend to the side having a baby??? Well I meet Blinkie, a cyber buddy via Fertility Friend, we all cried together, celebrated others success together and went off on our own after a while. Low and behold I got an email from Blinkie the other day to tell me she is pregnant. On her 41st birthday she got her positive HPT, she is now about 7 weeks. Now Blinkie was told that it would take a miracle to happen, her partner had low sperm count and of course her age was a factor. So after a fair while she came to terms with having the family she already had, I believe she has 3 adult children from her first marriage. She brought herself a new horse and a set of golf clubs and resigned to the fact it was over. But against all odds, here she is pregnant. The one statistic that we all hear about. Now how do I become this one statistic???